a lil' bit of me

"Ponderisms"

· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned
that most people die
of natural causes.

· Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make
sure you are removing
a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If
it comes out of the
ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

· The easiest way to find something lost around the
house is to buy a
replacement.

· Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive
anyway.

· Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which
one can die.

· Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for
anything, but you still
can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the
stairs.

· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying
in hospitals dying of
nothing.

· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder
these days no one talks
about seeing UFOs like they used to?

· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It
pays no attention to
criticism.

· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world
weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

· Politics is supposed to be the second oldest
profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the
first.

· How is it one careless match can start a forest
fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?

· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say,
"I think I'll squeeze
these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes
out?"

· Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken
there? I'm gonna eat
the next thing that comes outta its butt."

· Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the
freezer?

· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there
a song
about him?

· Why do people point to their wrist when asking for
the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom
is?

· Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get
undressed if they are
going to look up there anyway?

· Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on
all fours? They're both
dogs!

· If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that
Acme crap, why didn't
he just buy dinner?

· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is
made from vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?

· Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle
Little Star have the same
tune?

· Do illiterate people get the full effect of
Alphabet Soup?

· Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's
face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks
his head out the window?

· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make
it arrive faster?

· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?